Monday, October 11, 2010

Pause

There are moments in life when you pause to reflect on the journey. Too often, I am caught in the whirlwind of the immediate. Pressing needs supplant reflection. The urgent suffocates the significant. And the now, trapped in the hectic tumult of activity and thought, holds me prisoner. When I pause, the fatigue of life catches up with me, and instead of truly being silent in the pause, I succumb to sleep or the sweet nothingness of mindless entertainment. I call it staring at a wall. Whether it is the comforting darkness of true sleep, or the numbness of my television, I disappear. I have spent too long caught in the pendulum, swinging from urgent immediacy to eerily calm nothing. And so I stay. Caught in a place that is no longer my place. Hoping for next steps but always too overwhelmed to take that lunging leap. Only a few short months after I moved to Kuwait, I wrote of caravans. Two recent comments on that post brought me back to read it anew. And I marveled at the caravans that have entered my life, and exited my life, in the span of those months. I find myself now, sitting with nervous energy, waiting and waiting for my caravan. In the pit, I wonder if God is there, if perhaps I might just hear the sound of approaching caravans. There is a whisper, a tremor, and yet nothing. There is hope, but it feels nearly impossible to hold that tender thread. The journey has been sweet, beauty in the divine sovereignty. The past months have been full- of life and travel and friends and family. Mine is not a cry of complaint. It is deep delighted laughter at the journey God has formed for me. But in the midst of laughter is a silent river of questioning tears. It is my mascara worship. It is my questions, my uncertainty, my longing, my pause.

To read the Caravans post, simply go to: http://kuwaitcitygal.blogspot.com/2009/05/caravans.html

7 comments:

uncle yale said...

Thank you Amy for sharing so deeply. I sense in myself many of things you've shared. I love you, Dad

uncle yale said...

Mom here again on Dad's email. Thanks for sharing this and I will be especially praying that God will make clear the next caravan, He is not surprised by all you are feeling! i love you more than tongue can tell!-mom

jessica said...

amy! i love this post. i wish we had talked about this over skype...i've been hanging around the elijah chapters, specifically when god whispers to him. i won't bore you with my ramblings, but i am praying that god whispers to you soon. love you!

Danica said...

This is the MOST beautiful post. Wow. you are an incredible writer.

Anonymous said...

Hello

My name is Gabriela and I am undertaking a research on 'global nomads'.

I have looked at some of the pages on your blog and you seem to answer many of the questions I'm asking. Therefore, I would like to ask you if I could use your texts as part of my analysis, they will not be reproduced but I may take a few lines as examples related to my study, in which case I will reference them accordingly to your website.

If you would like to contact me for further information regarding my research please do so to

Kind regards,
Gabriela

miakush said...

Hi Gabriela...I am definitely open to you using some of the text from my blog posts. However, I would like to find out a bit more of what you're working on before i give permission. Please feel free to contact me at amy.kushner@gmail.com

cher said...

Yeah for the discipline of "pauses!" If you have not read John Eldredge's "The Sacred Romance" I think you would really enjoy it.